Sunday, September 13, 2015

The Small Moments

This "new life" is hard.
Really hard.
It's the small moments that make it so hard.
Not the empty bed, not the quiet house, not even visiting your grave.
Those things are hard...don't get me wrong.
But it's the small moments that are the toughest.
The moment I leave work and go to call you.
It was always the first thing I did, as soon as I got in the car
(sometimes before I even made it out of the building).
Tell you I'm on the way home, discuss dinner plans, talk about our days.
I miss those conversations.
The moment our show is on.
We had many shows, but you know which one I mean.
Singing the theme song together.
Rolling our eyes at the over-dramatic acting.
Wondering if we are ever going to find out who A is.
I can't even watch it anymore...its just not the same without you.
The moment I have to throw out the milk.
We used to have to buy 2 gallons of milk, every week.
Now I can't even get thru a half gallon before it expires.
I miss your love for milk, babe.
The moment I see your truck around town.
Well, not your truck. Your truck is gone.
But any truck that looks like yours.
It gives me heart palpitations, and I always look for that WSP sticker.
Even though I know its not there.
Because your truck is gone, and so are you.
The moment he does something crazy.
Yes, you who know.
He's still crazy.
But you know what else?
He's nice, too.
He brought me warm, chocolate chip cookies the other day.
And I laughed, because I know you would have said not to eat them.
So I didn't.
The moment our song comes on.
Actually, the many moments our song comes on.
I hear it all the time.
A lot more than I ever did before.
I know that's you, babe.

The moment I change into my "cozies."
We couldn't wait to put on our cozies for the night.
Just relax, maybe get a "sweet treat."
Cuddle up on the couch, watch a movie.
And laugh....always laugh.
The moment I didn't bite my nails.
You always hated how I bit my nails.
It drove you crazy.
But guess what, babe?
I don't bite them anymore.
They are long now.
Aren't you proud?
The moment I saw Oops, All Berries in the store.
You would have been so excited.
I would have bought it for you, surprised you with it.
You would have said "Whaaaaaaat???"
Maybe do your little dance.
But I didn't buy it...because you're not here to eat it.
The moment I found that flower.
Remember when we drove to Athens on Valentine's Day?
And we stopped at that gas station, and I asked you to buy me a cheesy gift?
You came out with this huge, 3 foot tall fake flower.
It cost you $10. And you said I was worth it.
I found it the other its sitting in the living room.
And I look at it every day.

The moment I saw that poster.
We went out to eat the other day.
We were sitting at a table and I looked up to see a WSP poster.
Right beside our table.
It was a Blue Indian poster, babe.
Did you choose that table for us?
The moment I needed hangers.
So I went into "your room."
I haven't been in there much.
But I needed hangers, so I opened your closet.
And then I lost it.
The moment I bought tickets for Germany.
I was giddy when I bought the tickets, but also sad at the same time.
We were so excited to spend NYE in Paris together.
I'm still going babe...will you still come, too?

The moment I read our old text messages.
I miss talking to you.
But you can still make me laugh.

The moment I heard you laugh.
Were you here? I know you were.
I heard you.
You laughed.
Clear as day.
I was in the bedroom and I heard you laugh.
And then I cried.
Every moment you're not here.
It doesn't get easier. It never hurts less.
I think people just say that to make me feel better.
But it's not true. Because I don't feel better.
I just miss you.